It's finally here. After many, many long seconds of development, I'm proud to introduce you to Deadspin's very own boutique spinoff site: CLOWNFISTER. I won't lie: I'm a bit scared. SO SCARED. This is all very exciting, but overwhelming too, just like when I went to that one Coldplay concert! When Craggs told me that I could create my own Kinja post in three seconds and have sole editorship over it, it was a like a dream come true. And now that CLOWNFISTER is here, I feel as if it's already succeeded beyond all my fondest hopes.
Now, I'm sure you're wondering just what the point of this site is. "Hey Drew, why can't this just be part of Deadspin?" Well, let me tell you why: Because then it wouldn't be MINE. And that's so very important. Plus, I can say things here that I just can't say as long as I remain under under Craggs' boot. He won't let me call ANYONE a "gash" anymore. Well, now the tables have turned! GASHY GASH GASH.
What's this site all about? Well, it's a little bit of sports, and a little bit of pop culture, and a whole lot of awkwardly mixing the two! Let me introduce you to our crack staff:
Bush Farthong: I'm proud to have hired Bush after he spent fifteen incredible years as a reporter for Harper's. Bush will turn up once every three months to deliver a 20,000-word longform piece that no one will read but will win lots of awards, and I will receive partial credit for those awards. Most of those pieces will be about tennis! Also, be sure to check out Bush's Twitter (@WritingBarn) feed if you'd like to be lectured to about the craft of writing.
Cappy Damrag: Cappy will be heading up Clownfister's TV blog, THE TUBE. He'll recap every episode of every show we deem fashionable enough to merit recapping. EXPECT LOTS OF LENA DUNHAM! I feel like there aren't enough TV recaps out there on the internet right now. How am I supposed to enjoy a TV show if someone isn't there to summarize it the next day? And did Facebook commenters have nitpicks about each episode? I MUST KNOW.
Jenny Sasslats: Anyone can give you gossip. But Jenny sees through that gossip, and gives you the true meaning of the Royal Baby's arrival, and only Jenny can make a remarkably thin connection between the arrival of that child and the current status of Michael Fassbander's career.
Will Wellingstone: Token angry liberal sportswriter! If you thought there weren't enough sportswriters telling you, in plain language, that the NCAA's exploitation of amateur athletes is outrageous, Will is here to tell you different. IT'S A CARTEL.
Brayden Mackleroy: We needed someone who could review the new Waaves album! Also, look for Brayden to offer recaps of OLD television shows, because it's always fun to look back in depth at the one episode of Night Court. Also: he'll recap movie trailers!
David Twathouse: Need someone who uses objective stats to tell you that Yasiel Puig isn't really THAT exciting of a baseball player? Looking for someone to kill the joy of your NFL team's last victory by telling you that they weren't actually the better team? Twathouse is your guy. I'M SENDING HIM TO VEGAS THIS FALL. DON'T LET ME DOWN, TWATHOUSE.
Toure: He's black!
And that's only the beginning. Once we've become an entrenched loss leader for Gawker Media, I plan on poaching even more talent and forcing them to write useless recaps of shit that happened last night. So take a look around the place. Here are some CLOWFISTER sub-blogs!
LAUGHING AT OLD YOUTUBE VIDEOS!
STAR OR NOT A STAR
IMAGINARY HOLLYWOOD FANTASY STATS
Like I said, that's only the beginning. It's a fresh start for me. For all of us, really. I hope that we don't let you down. Now let's get 'fisting!
UPDATE: We're working on getting anyone who wants posting privileges here at Clownfister. So let's get started with those Bunheads power rankings!